Its been so much fun having Frank and Ella visit.  I needed this.
We are currently driving back from southern Arizona where we visited Terry's sisters and parents. Loy lives on a huge ranch with horses,cats and dogs. I needed that too.

It in the pasture is an old nag who was starving and sway back when they got her abandoned in a field 2 years ago.  Bella. 
I was pretty scared of the horses back then. Today Bella hung back until I'd given away all the carrots I had hauled down here and the other horses walked away.  Fickle creatures.  Of course I had stuck a couple in my back pocket for her: -)  I knew she'd come and She knew I'd have them for her: -)
She let me pet her forever. Terry and our friends grew bored and walked back to the bunk house but I stayed with that sweet girl.  Her eyes are deep brown liquid pools and I just get lost in them. At one point I saw my reflection in them and was surprised to see how happy I looked.
Its been a good day: -)

Best[ie] medicine

My bestie and her husband [Terry's best friend] are coming to visit.  For  week.  They'll be here in 10 hours.  Not that I'm counting.
Our agenda is jam packed.  I'm a little nervous that I will be able to keep up but I also know that if I can't it won't matter to them - without a blink plans will change to accommodate me.  That makes me feel oddly . . normal.
Frank and Ella are both my champions in my quest to convince Terry that I neeeeeeeed a dog.  Frank more so than Ella [which puts him in fierce competition to become my bestie]  What?  What is that sound?  That sound there . .  . Could that be chinks of Terry's armour falling to the ground???

please oh please oh please

Dare to be . . .

This one is going to have to settle in my gut for a bit but maybe if I write really quick and hit 'publish' I can get part of it out.  No edit.  No 'what will people think'

.

There are good days and bad days but it feels like a slow downward spiral.  A spiral where I'm clawing at the walls to keep from slipping deeper.  A spiral where, in my calm moments, I wonder what would happen if I just let go and let the spiral suck me down and get it over with.  It feels like 'amputation  butter knife'  What if I just let go?  Surrender to what feels like the inevitable and quit fighting.

I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of the anger that pops up. I fight the MS.  I fight the new symptoms.  I fight the new meds and their side effects.  I fight the old meds and their side effects.  I still yell 'fuck you' at the breast cancer walk commercial where she says 'If I can do it so can you'  Guess what, fucker - I CAN'T.  And guess what - if you had a boulder tied to one of your legs then you couldn't either. 

What am I fighting anyway? 

This video was posted on one of my favorite blogger's sites this morning.  http://www.edenriley.com/2012/04/taking-hits.html

I started sobbing at 2:42.  Really sobbing.  Snot-down-my-face sobbing.  Would it feel like that if I let go?  Would there be peace?  Would there be strength? 

What AM I afraid of?