For John and Sharron

Don't hate me.
I lost 4 lbs on vacation  :-D

Gotta love them Chicago dogs

Ohhhhhh yes!

happiness

Me and my boys :-)

Ramona

:-)

Tricky

Using a cane is going to be tricky.

So beautiful: -)

Heaven?

Waking up at my bestie's house I always wonder the same thing. . . .have I died?  There's a ceiling fan softly moving. Filtered light. Sounds are muffled but a few birds are twittering. I wonder why I wonder each and every time.  . .

Knowing

It's funny how knowing what to expect has washed away so many fears.  Knowing that the dizziness was coming and knowing how far/how much to push and having a clue when I would get pushed right back. Knowing it's ok to push.  Losing the fear of pushing.  Knowing the pushing-back would ease up if I didn't push too hard.  Knowing to sleep when I can, even if the sun is up, and not fighting to sleep even if it's 2 am.  Knowing this will pass.

I just figured this out and it's a biggie for me . . .
'Change' does not mean 'Game Over'.

That's a real big deal.

better

It's a much better day.  The pain in my face is gone completely.  Such relief. 
We fly back to Illinois tomorrow for a week.  I'm shaking and dizzy. Nauseous. I feel crappy but having the pain gone is. . . there just are no words.  Relief is as close as I can come.
I had to stop by the pharmacy early this morning to pick up some meds for the dizziness and bought a new pair of PJ's while I was waiting.  Broke down and colored my hair when I got home - I just don't want my grandkids to see me lookinthe g this rough and this grey.  Not yet.  :-)  Not with the cane looming over me too. Showered.  Brushed all of my teeth for the first time in 2 weeks - it was just too painful before.  Threw flour, water, yeast, salt and sugar in Kitchenaid and the house smells like fresh bread. Not sure which Terry will appreciate most the bread, the shower, the PJ's, the hair color or me brushing my teeth.  It took literally all day to get it all accomplished.  Laundry I have stayed on top of but I still have to pack. Tomorrow.

I'm beat but I'm grateful.  There's a bit of hope back that I had lost. It feels so good to not have pain.

This time tomorrow I'll be on the plane.  Mixed mixed mixed emotions about letting family and friends see me like this. It feels all Drama Mama to say that.   As much as I have complained it has been kind of a gift to hide from the concern I will see in their eyes.

Thanks for loving me thru this.

For Rusty

It wasn't IPA :-)

Getting real

and now the real me





Embarrassed. 
That I keep going to doctors for symptoms that I know sound crazy.  Any idea how stupid I felt trying to explain this pain to the dentist? I was well aware that it didn't make sense that cold and heat didn't make the tooth hurt more.  Well aware that trigeminal neuralgia usually is triggered by touching the face and not the inner mandible.  Well aware.  For Pete's sake I'm a nurse.  Do you think I'm doing this for fun?  For attention?  4 doctor visits, 1 ER visit, 1 pain specialist, 1dentist  and 1 neurologist in 8 weeks. 8 physical therapy appointments.  1 chiropractor and 3 [therapy] massages on my neck/shoulder.  Embarrassed to tears when I think of it.  Frequently.

Frustrated.
That I have to fake feeling ok enough to work when I just want to crawl up on one of those gurneys and have someone figure MY stuff out.  Knowing that my frustration is impeding my ability to explain my symptoms in a more rationale way.  Frustrated at the sheer dollars I'm having to throw at this with the hope of being able to just feel 'better'.  I've already lost the hope this is going to go away.

Hopeless.
'Nuf said.

Angry. 
Angry that I have MS.  Angry that I am angry about it.  Angry at myself for being angry when I see the '60 mile for Breast Walk' ad on TV and I have to hold onto walls to get across the room.  "If I can do it you can do it" ???  Kiss my ass.   Angry that I have to fake feeling ok until I make it thru to the end of my shift to check in as a patient. 
 
Lonely. 
I miss my Roxy.  Yes, I know she died 4 years ago but I know she'd be sitting here at my side thru all this shit and I know I'd feel better because of it.  Best dog.  Ever.  I miss my daughter and son and grandkids.  We're flying back this week [I have a deposition at one of the hospitals I worked at] but I don't want them to see me like . . .this.  And I can't cancel because of the deposition otherwise I would despite missing them soooo much.

Mortified
I had to ask my daughter-in-law today to explain to Seth and Miles about the cane.  Sigh.  Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine with it and I'm sure we'll get stickers and decorate it and things will be great, but for the moment?  Mortified.  Part of it is realizing that they will be following my lead with it so I sure as hell better get my shit together in short order.  And just writing this helps because I know it will be my favorite cane ever.  It just makes it more . . .real.

Mad. 
I'm mad at God.  There.  I've said it.
Mad that it took 5 sticks to get an IV yesterday and that they hurt.  Mad that 5 yesterday probably means 7 today and more tomorrow as they've used the best spots. Mad that I have bruises up and down my arm and look like an f'ing drug addict.  Not to mention the bruises and welts from the Copaxone on my arms and legs. What if I hadn't trusted my own instinct?  It would have been a tooth extraction or root canal.  A crown or a bridge.  Epidural injections [which would have brought on it's own risks]  Unbelievably Mad that the professionals I'm supposed to trust don't know SHIT about MS.  And feeling Mad in a totally 'crazy I'm losing my shit' sort of way.  Arrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!

You've Got a Friend in Me

It's 5am and Terry is in the bedroom snoring away.  Lord but that man can snore!
But guess what?  So can I and he loves me anyway :-)

I never used to snore.  They say that the longer people are together the more alike that are.  He intermittently has a goatee and so do I but I pluck mine on a regular basis.  I never used to drink coffee [Sharron?  That resolution of giving it up is looong abandoned and I'm a better person for it] and he never used to but cream in his.  I have a bad habit of leaving straw wrappers in my car and his has a bad habit of vaccuming the middle of the room and not the edges - we're working that stuff out.  Much to my mortification Terry is [and I quote him] 'an agitating asshole' - if he knows what gets under your skin he is going to use it.  Like winning at the casino. He has been known to add a zero.  Or 2.  Or losing at the casino.  He's been known to add a zero.  Or 2.  JUST to get under their skin.  Or calling his brother in Illinois from the patio where he is drinking coffee in shorts when he knows he brother is shoveling snow.  Just because he can.  I tend to avoid those subjects unless I really really don't like you and I come off sounding like a bitch [because frankly I am at that point].  Terry?  He comes off the nice guy that he is.

This MS thing bit us both in the butt and we deal with it in different ways.  I'm a talker and Terry is not. We saw a show in Vegas - Defending the Caveman - and man was it true for us.  According to that comedian women are gatherers and men hunters. . If women are at a party and the chip bowl is empty odds are that at least a couple of them will address it  and take care of the empty bowl.  The comedian jokes that they will probably hold hands and birds sing during the process, tying little bows in their hair. Men will argue about who brought the chips, whose bowl it is and who filled it last time. It may take an hour to get the chip bowl filled.   Women bond by sharing information.  Men tend to talk about a common task.  Women use about 10,000 words a day and men around 2,000 a day.  For us that's about right.  I wasn't quite sure how to take his silence when I  shared deep stuff.  Did he hear me?  Did it not matter?  Did I not matter? 

We laugh that we've become that old couple that shares a meal when we go out.  We split a meal and an appetizer.  He likes the cheddar fries with a lot of cheese but I prefer the ones around the edge with just a bit.  He likes that catsup and I snag the ranch dressing for the fries.  Last night he got the prime rib sliders with a side salad .  I got the salad  :-) 

I'm tired of the pain this MS is causing but I'm really tired of how it dictates what he and I can do.  It makes me sad to see the sadness in his eyes and that I know he feels helpless to help me.  I feel helpless to help him.
But he does help .me  In so many ways.
He doesn't complain when I ask if we can watch TV 'in the other room' even though he knows I'm just going to fall asleep.  He doesn't complain that I fall asleep at 8pm and then struggle to fall back asleep at 2am.  While getting this infusion my metabolism is all screwed up.  I'm hungry but nauseous and the weight melts off - 3 lbs yesterday.  He makes sure I have something cold to drink by my chair. My breath would peel wallpaper and he still kisses my cheek.  My blood sugar reads 'high', I pee every 20 min and he never complains when he has to pause the movie.  He turns on the fan for me and covers himself with an afghan. And then throws an afghan over my feet because he sees that they are cold.  Pulls down the blind when he sees the sun is shining in my face.  Offers to drive. Doesn't complain that it's take out  .  .again.

He encourages me to stay positive and just tackle today. 
He still makes me crazy,  Still slides stuff into drawers that I spend hours trying to find.  Still hangs his tshirts and throws mine in the dryer.  Still doesn't separate darks and whites.  Still plows ahead in crowds and leaves me to bob and weave to catch up with him.  Still dominates the channel changer.

I love him with all my heart and couldn't get thru this without him.

Middle ground

Just back from my neurologist.
News I didn't want to hear but answers I needed.
The pain IS the MS.  The neck. The arm.  Mouth and face.  Headache.  All on the left side. I guess I wasn't completely surprised.  More than likely as result of the bronchitis back in Dec firing up my immune system.  Less than ideal.  Having 'pain' as a new common demoninator caught me a little off-guard. Cleopatra.  Queen of De nial.  The good news is that I don't need the root canal or tooth pulled.  No crown or bridge.  No epidural injections for my neck.  I can stop going to physical therapy [it wasn't helping anyway though the massage did feel nice]  I can stop the thrice weekly appointments with doctors or physical therapists or dentist or endodontists that have been sucking up my days off once I finish these 3 solumedrol infustions that are going to make me feel like crap for a week. 

Cowboy Take Me Away

Three years ago [Feb 09, 2009] Terry suggested that we meet for dinner at one of our favorite steak places when I got off work.  Unfortunately I was late getting off work and the heavy snow on the way home put me getting home too late for dinner so we rescheduled for a couple of nights later.  That night I got off work on time but the snow made me late . . again.  He wasn't a happy camper which is odd for Terry - he's pretty easy going and understanding my work as an ER nurse. 

We met at Johnny's Charhouse - Papa looooves prime rib  :-)

We had ordered and Terry still seemed a little pissy.  He was sitting across from me in a booth with both hands on the table telling me that his hands were cold.  Of course I went straight to 'nurse mode' wondering if he were getting sick, scooting over and encouraging him to sit with me on my side of the booth as it was toasty warm on my side.  'No no I'm fine . . . " and the waiter showed up with our drinks and salads.  I dove into my salad and really wondered if he was getting sick because he pushed his salad to the side. 'My hands are really cold ...'  Chomp chomp chomp.   Mouth full of salad as I stood 'You should really sit over here - it's warm here' Chomp chomp chomp.

Not a happy camper sitting across the table.  Still not eating his salad.  Hands still on the table.

I finished my salad, the waiter cleared the table and Terry started in again about his hands being cold.
[geeeesh.  It was his idea to go out on a snowy night for dinner. If he was sick we should have cancelled]
So Mr Cold Hands started talking - I have no idea what he was saying because the waiter showed up with warm bread and butter. Mmmmmmm chomp chomp chomp.  Momma looooves bread and butter  :-)

But his hands were cold and he clearly wasn't going to stop talking about it so with a mouth full of bread I stood again and tried to convince him to switch sides with me . . .

And then I saw the ring  :-)
"My hands are cold but they'd be warmer if you would be my wife"

It's been 3 years since that cold snowy night.
Glad he had cold hands and not cold feet.

For Rusty's Valentine

I'm not much of a shopper, even less of a decorator so I wasn't sure why the urge to purchase these 3 stones yesterday.  Dream.  Imagine.  Sage.
I was thinking of a dear bloggy friend at the time.  She has provided untold comfort for me this past year with her kind words and kind ways.  At the time I was thinking of her garden, how LARGE it is and how small mine is but how perfect my small garden is for me right now.  lettuce, spinach, arugula, jalepenos, tomatoes, chives, sage, lavendar, basil, peas, cucumbers.  A lot for my small space but it works.   A  tiny plot of 3 ft x 24 feet but my neighbors frequently get leftovers that we cannot use. It's so productive.   She has encouraged me to get back to my roots [pun intended] and find my inner peace.  Bit by bit it is working even though my frustrations are often unleashed here in this blog. 
She's a good good person.
She has  had a tragedy on her farm this week.  My heart weeps for her because I know she is hurting.  My Valentine wish for her is that she finds peace.  I planned on sharing pictures of my plants with her stones when my little garden grew a little bit more but today seems right on the heels of her sharing her tragedy.
She's a wise woman [sage], living out dreams and was brave enough to imagine that life would be better when things were really dark.
She makes me a better person and encourages me to do the same.
Peace my friend.
And much love
Happy Valentine's Day

bye bye baby

I wrote this post almost exactly 6 months ago on the heels of. Amy Winehouse's death and re-posting it on the heels of Whitney's death. 
http://thedazeofwhineandroses.blogspot.com/2011/07/what-if.html

Clearly, I am not privy to the details of either of their deaths but both had problems with substance abuse.  I worry daily about the addiction that we, the medical profession, cause patients by not saying 'no' to narcotics.  Too many times life-long problems with addiction to pain medications stem from legitimate injury or pain and someone somewhere in the healing process did not say 'enough'.  Patients have the expectation that we will take care of their pain.  That is a good and proper expectation.  What we are not teaching patients is that sprains and fractures, lacerations and surgical incisions, headaches and menstral cramps DO hurt and that it is not appropriate to remove all traces of pain. 
We need to recognize that addiction is not a CHOICE of patients but the result an illness all by itself. People with addiction have pain and people with pain have addiction history.  We need to be more aware and really help these patients.  The TV is on as I'm writing this and there have been several ads for medicines on TV.  At the end of each commercial there is a recitation of the possible side effects.  Why aren't drug companies required to periodically put ads out there listing the side effects to their most popularly sold drugs?

"Side-effects of hydrocodone/paracetamol are most commonly upset stomach, nausea, and altered mental status (e.g., dizziness, light headedness). Other rarer side-effects include allergic reaction, seizures, clammy skin, paranoia, hallucinations, severe weakness, dizziness, hyperventilation, unconsciousness, jaundice (yellowing of eyes or skin), unusual fatigue, bleeding, bruising, stomach pain,^[3] constipation, dry mouth, decreased appetite, muscle twitches, sweating, hot flashes, itching, tinnitus, hearing loss, decreased urination and altered sex drive. Vicodin also has depressant effects on the central nervous system, which may cause irritability. However, some of the less mundane effects can be desirable effects that are sought after by some. Those effects include euphoria and drowsiness,"
Who would take this if they knew?  Would an ad like this cause a red flag to imprint in someone's brain and question accepting a prescription? Patients are taught to trust their doctor and surely if a prescription is offered it must be safe.  Right?

WRONG!  New insurance reimbursement criteria are based in part on a hospital's 'patient satisfaction score' and part of that score is 'how well did we control your pain?'  Pain needs to be controlled.  Obviously.  But is it really beneficial to a patient to have this flaw built into the system???
From day 1 a patient needs to be EDUCATED that 'controlling pain' does not mean to remove all traces.

Arrrgh.  I could go on and on.  The patient this week that stands out was an 8 year old boy with a 2 day old sprain to his pinky finger.  It was bruised and swollen and I bet it did hurt.  Of course it took parents 2 days to have it addressed [understandably] and they hadn't given him tylenol or ibuprofen in those 2 days for the pain. He was a cute kid, all smiles when he realized that there would be no shots and he and his sister raced to the fridge for juice and crackers when I told them there would be a bit of a delay for the xray due to a trauma which was requiring the rest of the ER team. The xray did not indicate fracture and we put a splint on the finger and buddy-taped it to the next finger.  The shocker came when mom asked for a prescription for vicodin for his pain AND THE DOCTOR WROTE THE SCRIPT! I hope you are as shocked as I was and I pray that you question it should it ever happen to you.

I was up all night again with facial/mouth pain due to the trigeminal neuralgia.  I made it clear to my doctors that I will not take narcotics for the pain.  Does that make me a better person to live with the pain?  Not at all.  What it says is that I'm afraid.  Very afraid.  I've seen the addiction and life long pain this addiction causes and I want no part of it.  I would probably be smarter to take something, it was offered, but it is such a slippery slope and I keep saying no. Maybe it's because I'm a nurse and I want to get to the root of the problem rather than mask it. I want it fixed. Maybe it's because I know the steroids will kick in again and today will be better.  Maybe it's because I'm a nurse and  I know to move taking my med to later in the day so that I might sleep tonight.

We are taught to trust doctors but we need to be taught to take contol of our own healthcare.  We need to question medications that we're given. Our pain needs to be contolled by the least invasive method even if that means we are uncomfortable.

RIP Whitney. I hope we finally learn

[I'm gonna be] 500 miles

 . . x 100.
Baby turned 50,000 today  :-)

Homebird



Eden over at http://www.edenriley.com/  has asked us to share what song we would have at our funeral.

This is but one of mine.

I actually started a file of things I want at my funeral a while back.   Several songs.  That I want to be cremated and scattered [though I haven't decided where]  At one point I wanted my funeral to be a big party for family/friends and now .  .eh.  Not so much.  I just want to go away quietly.

It's odd that Eden has written about this right now.

Emotionally I'm not doing so well.  My shoulder has hurt pretty much non-stop for 8 weeks and now I have trigeminal neuralgia.  For those not familiar trigeminal neuralgia is a group of 3 cranial nerves in the face and jaw.  In my case I thought it was an abcessed tooth until the dentist's xray proved not and the pain has spread to upper and lower teeth on the left side and is now into my left ear.  As long as I don't chew or talk it's a dull throb.  Can you imagine me not chewing or talking?  Didn't think so.  The slightest touch sets it off.  It's only been 6 days but I understand it may take weeks to months to go away.  If it ever goes away  :-(

When Dr Kevorkian was alive and an advocate for assisted suicide for terminal patients I  had my reservations.  Not as the moral issue of suicide.but because of the concern that someday the right to choose death would someday become the responsibility of the terminal patient to choose death to prevent their loved one's emotional distress at a long drawn out death or to reduce the financial burden. Responsibility rather than choice.

That's hitting a little too close to home for me right now.  Struggling with the cost of my meds.  Struggling with this constant pain.  Struggling with this narrow little Little life.  I'm tired of having the same conversation [how are you feeling] and tired of lying [I'm fine] and of seeing the sympathy in people's eyes when I break down and tell the truth. 

I'm not depressed and I'm not feeling suicidal.  Not to worry.  Just feeling crappy

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day?

tic-ket to ride

tic douloureux

Sooo much fun

Perfect

This is my daughter, Rachel. 

She was 5 in this photo and probably on a diet.  One of many diets that I put her on.

I've been asked to put in my 2 cents about Georgia putting up billboards of chubby kids in an effort to shock/shame their parents into action, "they were necessary to jar parents of obese kids out of a state of denial that their children had a problem".

I'll leave the scientific basis to whether or not dieting is effective or healthy for another discussion.  I want people to think about and understand the emotional and psychological damage that is done when we put our kids on diets.

As a mom I have always wanted the best for my daughter. I tried to not push her into activites which she was not interested in but I did encourage her to be active.  When the doctor expressed concern about her being at the top of her weight chart I was concerned.  Unfortunately, having had an eating disorder myself as a teenager, having her mother now concerned about her weight and having a doctor who encouraged dieting for a 5 year old was the worst possible combination.  The doctor and I also failed to take into consideration she was also at the top of her height chart.  We failed her on so many levels.  Restrictive diets. We vilified fat bodies - including my own.  Although I was 20ish pounds off the ideal I saw myself as having a weight problem and was on one diet or another her entire life.  We created her unhealthy relationship with food - food was good or bad and, consequently, she was good or bad.  She was rewarded when she stayed true to whatever the current diet demanded.
I tried bribing her with clothes.  Tried 'bonding' with her via the latest/greatest diet. I tried 'bonding' thru other means too but dieting was a constant in our lives.  A constant in HER childhood. My intention was to prevent the pain and stigma that I had had being a chubby child.  I wanted her to be happy and healthy and I thought the path to that was thru weight loss. Just a couple pounds and she would be perfect.  Guess what - she was already perfect just the way she was.
There are entire industries whose very existences relying of making us feel bad about ourselves.  Fashion magazines contain articles that prey upon on our insecurities and then sell us the 'cure' on the next page.  Housekeeping magazines pit us against our friends and neighbors for the 'best of the neighborhood' because they have something they want to sell us and parenting magazines/groups take advantage of our love for our children and our want for the best for them and use our insecurities to sell their products.  They try to create a competitiveness among ourselves that not only hurt us as individuals  but ultimately hurt our children.

We have a generation of chubby children being raised by parents who themselves were chubby children and society told them they needed to change.  A generation of parents who have a distorted relationship with food w ho are leading their children right down that same path.   The solution starts with  helping them accept their own bodies and rejecting societal demands for unhealthy restrictions.
What is the real purpose of those billboards?  Do they really think that publicly shaming the parent is going to change anything?  Have they even considered the pain and shame those children will feel when they identify with the billboard?  Have they considered the damage to relationships that is going to happen when parents who already have an unhealthy relationship with food go home to their children with renewed concern.  I personally know how that concern is rooted in wanting my child to avoid the pain and stigma that I went thru and I personally know the damage it did to our relationship.

Billboards are not the answer.  Body acceptance is.

I've got you under my skin

I've been in a bit of moral dilema lately.  There's not really an answer and I'm not really looking for one I just need to throw these thoughts out there and get them off my chest.

Copaxone is the med I take for my MS.  It is an injection given with a tiny little needle [I rarely even feel the needle] and the medicine is a small amount [1ml] injected under the skin.  It takes about 23 seconds to start feeling the burn.  It starts as a slight sting and within 90 seconds it feels as if someone is snubbing out a cigarette whereever the injection has been given that day. Over the next 15 min the burn eases up but it's pretty ouchy for about 6 hours and tender for 30 hours. I have to rotate the injection site daily - the jiggly underside/back of each arm, the upper thigh, the hip and the lower abdomen.   I know the start/finish of the burn because out of curiosity I have timed it many times.  Somehow know exactly what to expect and when it's going to stop just helps me get thru it.  I'm a nurse - would you expect less?  :-)   The resulting welt is about the size of a medium orange and about 1/2 the time has hives surrounding it [OR is it all hives and the center hives converge to make a welt?] and the size of the sting extends about 8 inches in each direction.  In the case of my arm it is the entire upper arm.  I'm not complaining [well not in this post  :-)] but it does contribute to my dilema a little.  I'll explain that in a bit.

It's no secret that I am not a fan of giving myself a shot everyday. I've 'forgotten' to give my shot every day for a week. I haven't missed a day but it's later and later in the day.  Today it was 9 hours late. 

My medication costs $3606.18 every month.  [I have extremely fortunate in that my co-pay is only $40].  Do the math - that is almost $130,000 in 3 years.  The copaxone does not change the course of my disease and the mechanism of action is 'unknown'.  It is 'believed' that the copaxone will reduce the number of new brain lesions and is 'hoped' to reduce the number exacerbations from 1.3 exacerbations a year to 1 exacerbation every 3 years.  'Unknown', 'hoped' and 'believed'.  For $43, 000 a year.  I may or may not EVER have another exacerbation with or without the medicine.  Assuming that I do have 1.3 exacerbations  x 3 years that would be 4ish. With the copaxone they are anticipating 1.  There is no crystal ball. So essentially I have gambling $130k on 3 exacerbations. I am really struggling with that.  With all of the healthcare cuts and uninsured [or under-insured] patients I'm not sure I can justify that kind of expense for a maybe.  It's a question of social conscience.  How many mammograms could be done for 130k?  130k could hire a doctor for a free clinic for a year.  How many patients could get TB tests?  How many kids without insurance could get a checkup?

The company that makes copaxone sends me literature every single week. They sent me a fancy-dancy day planner early on. One week they sent a fancy travel bag. Once they sent a little lock box that I have nooooo idea how it supposed to be used.  Someone said it's for the fridge.  Really?  This week there was a box which came by 'expedited' mail and it contained alcohol wipes.  Seriously?  I doubt that they would have cost more than 2 bucks at the store.  Why could they not have sent them WITH the medication or reduced the cost of the med by 2 bucks?  It's been about 6 weeks and I have gotten at least 8 or 9 packages from them.  I shudder to think of the marketing costs  for the pamphlets and brochures alone.  Postage.  Go to sharedsolutions.com.  There's an 1-800 number staffed should patients have questions about the treatment.  Shouldn't patients be directing those questions to their doctor?  Are they trying to create an emotional tie to the support that we newbies need?  Shouldn't that be directed toward an unbiased support system like The MS Society instead of a company that thrives [and profits] on our insecurities and fears?  Don't forget that they sent an 'injection specialist' to teach me how to do an injection.  Where did the money for her salary come from?

So that's what is going on in my head.  I have to think about it before I give the shot and it's front and center during the burn.  I tend to question the ethics of it all more when I'm at work and I see so many patients who do not have insurance.  Especially when something bumps that tender spot and I think about why it's tender.  Instead of seeing stars I see dollar signs.  Since the spots stays tender for about 30 hours the odds are that one of them is going to get bumped. 

I am so fortunate to have insurance that covers my medicine.  I worry what would happen if we didn't have insurance but not for this.  Without insurance I not hesitate to walk away from it.  43k for 'unknown, hoped and believed'?  I don't think so.

So the question is - why am I am I not walking away now?  And THAT is the elephant in the room.

Fresh horses

One of my favorite bloggers, Eden over at http://www.edenriley.com/ sent out a challenge.  'Show me your handwriting and I'll show you mine.'
One of the things I love about Eden is her raw truthfulness.  She exposes her demons to the light and reading about her journey helps me to be more truthful in my own journey.  She has not had an easy go of it.  Not even close and yet she has this amazing grace and ability to see the good in people.A Warrior Princess, with tats  :-)


I hope to dear sweet jesus that there isn't a hand writing analyst reading this post.  LOL  I thought I'd be clever and try to write both right and left handed, with and without my eyes open and, lasty, by writing thru the mirror.  Lordy but I write like a 3 year old or a mass murderer - I'm not sure which.
Try it.  It was kinda fun.  And visit Eden's blog.  Bring on the fresh horses

For sharron

Thanks for reminding me to take time to go to concerts

Love's gonna make it alright

It's no secret this has been a rough road emotionally for me.  The move to AZ from Chicago was complete culture shock - 2 years later I am still struggling but better.  I've learned a lot about me - the good parts and the bad parts.  Hopefully it will make me a better person.  Being 1700 miles away from friends and family?  I'm not sure I'm ever going to not struggle with that but we have found a way that is working right now.   I should say I'm learning what is working and what did not .work and what I need to do to make it work better - action, adjustment, action, adjustment.  I'm very much an introvert.  I've always been one to have one or two good friends and keep everyone else on the periphery.  Oddly I like everyone, I just don't let them close.  Two years later still no girlfriends out here in AZ.  Some days that really sucks but it is what it is.  Ditto with work.  It's a good job but I've learned the hard way to keep them at arms length and to keep my mouth shut especially about the MS. Especially about the MS.

Thru it all there has been Terry.  He puts up with my crankiness.  At first I couldn't tell what his reaction was to the MS news.  He just seemed to . . . ignore it.  I couldn't tell if it were indifference to me, to the disease or did he not 'get it'.  Of course me, being who I am, assumed the worst - this was going to be too much for him/I wasn't going to be enough for him.  The one person I had counted on the most to help me get thru the, my best friend of 32 years, couldn't deal with it so how could he?  But then again Terry IS Terry  :-) For him the MS just isn't a big deal.  There are no guarantees in life and this just falls under that heading.

Tonight we're going to a George Strait concert.   George Strait and Martina McBride.  If she sings this song I'm done for so I hope she saves it for the end of the concert.  Terry's sister Loy [and Loy's daughter Blanca] will be staying here tonight and are going to the concert with us.  Loy calls me 'Sis' and she means it  :-)  She's loved me thru this too. 

It's hard not to think of you guys, of John and Crow and Sharron and all the rest of you who read my posts and have 'loved me thru this' When I hear her song  the tears that flow will be of my gratitude for you for helping me keep it together.

Thanks for wiggling your way into my heart :-)

From one of my favorite blogs - http://jewellingtheelephant.blogspot.com/
I think I am going to have a February challenge. Every blog post will be the title of a song that means something to me, makes me think, makes my heart soar or just plain makes me bust out my bad ass dance moves and feel alive! It's probably been done before, I am still new to this blogging lark, but I am going to do it anyway. Join me if you would like x

Material Girl

From one of my favorite blogs - http://jewellingtheelephant.blogspot.com/

I think I am going to have a February challenge. Every blog post will be the title of a song that means something to me, makes me think, makes my heart soar or just plain makes me bust out my bad ass dance moves and feel alive! It's probably been done before, I am still new to this blogging lark, but I am going to do it anyway. Join me if you would like x




Though I'm struggling it's hard not to realize just how lucky I am.  This gazebo was erected this afternoon to provided me a place to be outside and yet avoid the summer heat.  It's beautiful.  A ceiling fan and a misting system will be installed as well as tiny white lights around the perimeter.  Also, a plan is in place to eliminate the bathtub in order to enlarge the standup shower and make it a walk-in without a door or curtain.  Snazzy to be sure.

Ugh.  I hate to not sound grateful but . . . ugh.

:::edit:::
LOL  Sharron, I realized that I posted but forgot to put the title I had intended.
Done!

February challenge

From one of my favorite blogs - http://jewellingtheelephant.blogspot.com/

I think I am going to have a February challenge. Every blog post will be the title of a song that means something to me, makes me think, makes my heart soar or just plain makes me bust out my bad ass dance moves and feel alive! It's probably been done before, I am still new to this blogging lark, but I am going to do it anyway. Join me if you would like x

Love this movie.  Love this song.
This one's for you Sharron.