This one is going to have to settle in my gut for a bit but maybe if I write really quick and hit 'publish' I can get part of it out. No edit. No 'what will people think'
There are good days and bad days but it feels like a slow downward spiral. A spiral where I'm clawing at the walls to keep from slipping deeper. A spiral where, in my calm moments, I wonder what would happen if I just let go and let the spiral suck me down and get it over with. It feels like 'amputation butter knife' What if I just let go? Surrender to what feels like the inevitable and quit fighting.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of the anger that pops up. I fight the MS. I fight the new symptoms. I fight the new meds and their side effects. I fight the old meds and their side effects. I still yell 'fuck you' at the breast cancer walk commercial where she says 'If I can do it so can you' Guess what, fucker - I CAN'T. And guess what - if you had a boulder tied to one of your legs then you couldn't either.
What am I fighting anyway?
This video was posted on one of my favorite blogger's sites this morning. http://www.edenriley.com/2012/04/taking-hits.html
I started sobbing at 2:42. Really sobbing. Snot-down-my-face sobbing. Would it feel like that if I let go? Would there be peace? Would there be strength?
What AM I afraid of?