This one is going to have to settle in my gut for a bit but maybe if I write really quick and hit 'publish' I can get part of it out. No edit. No 'what will people think'
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There are good days and bad days but it feels like a slow downward spiral. A spiral where I'm clawing at the walls to keep from slipping deeper. A spiral where, in my calm moments, I wonder what would happen if I just let go and let the spiral suck me down and get it over with. It feels like 'amputation butter knife' What if I just let go? Surrender to what feels like the inevitable and quit fighting.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of the anger that pops up. I fight the MS. I fight the new symptoms. I fight the new meds and their side effects. I fight the old meds and their side effects. I still yell 'fuck you' at the breast cancer walk commercial where she says 'If I can do it so can you' Guess what, fucker - I CAN'T. And guess what - if you had a boulder tied to one of your legs then you couldn't either.
What am I fighting anyway?
This video was posted on one of my favorite blogger's sites this morning. http://www.edenriley.com/2012/04/taking-hits.html
I started sobbing at 2:42. Really sobbing. Snot-down-my-face sobbing. Would it feel like that if I let go? Would there be peace? Would there be strength?
What AM I afraid of?
I once worked with a psychiatrist who would always say to people who asked "why"
ReplyDelete"you feel what you feel>.plain and simple" dont ask too many questions just deal with the emotion!
x
Snot sobbing is sometimes the only kind of sobbing there is. And the video is great. If only Rocky could fight some of our battles for us although it sounds like your giving him a run for his money. xx
ReplyDeleteFuck.
ReplyDeleteLove, love and more love to you. I am so so sorry you're battling this particular fight. We're all battling something, but it seems like some people get a really rough trot.
Now I'm off to watch this again and see what he said at 2.42. And I'll be thinking of you.
XXXXX